


Quello che non ho (What I do not have)

by olandesevolante



Category: Football RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-28 14:42:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olandesevolante/pseuds/olandesevolante
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He's all that he needs to be happy, and if he's ok without having the usual couple-lifestyle, well, it means that what he doesn't have it's just something he doesn't need."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quello che non ho (What I do not have)

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so there's a lot of mistakes for sure. The beautiful song that inspires all this is 'Quello che non ho' by Fabrizio De André. Shame on me because I'm writing about one that plays for Juventus. But it's all his fault, it's he that is on TV at 7 in the morning while I'm still sleepy and wakes me up!

Title: Quello che non ho (What I do not have)

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Javi Martinez/Fernando Llorente

Word Count: 4894

Disclaimer: Believe me, if I owned one of them (or both) I wouldn't waste my time wrting stupid things.

Summary: " _He's all that he needs to be happy, and if he's ok without having the usual couple-lifestyle, well, it means that what he doesn't have it's just something he doesn't need."_

Notes: English is not my first language, so there's a lot of mistakes for sure. The beautiful song that inspires all this is 'Quello che non ho' by Fabrizio De André. Shame on me because I'm writing about one that plays for Juventus. But it's all his fault, it's he that is on TV at 7 in the morning while I'm still sleepy and wakes me up!

_Quello che non ho è una camicia bianca (What I do not have is a white shirt)_

Dinner at home always has a special taste when they're together at the table, not anymore thinking about the rest of the world. There's only Fer and Javi here, plus some extras of football and of their Athletic; nothing else is allowed to enter the kitchen.

"Have you alredy took your tie off?" asks Fer noticing that his friend doesn't wear anything around his neck.

Javi smiles a bit before answering that "yes, Fer, you know I hate that thing, it always seems it's going to throttle me" and waits for Fernando to shake his head while thinking he's got no chances.

And that's exactly what happens: just a second after Javi's words are arrived at his ears, Fernando shakes his head, looks at his friends with a face that just means "mate, you have no chances, believe me" and then laughs. "Javi, I spent one hour trying to teach you how to knot your tie, then I realized that you didn't understand anything of what I was talking about and I decided to do your knot on my own. And now, after all the work I did this afternoon, after all the strain, and after all the sweating I did...three minutes after we arrived home you've already took your tie off. It nice to do something for you, Javi, really really satisfying".

"It's not my fault if I can't stand to be suffocated" replays Javi, pouring some wine in his glass and in Fernando's one.

"Natural disaster" murmurs the striker, shaking his head once again and taking his glass.

"Hey! I heard what you've just said, and let me tell you-" starts Javi in answer but while talking he's moving his arms to give more strenght to his words and hits his glass still untouched.

And this one - _fucking stupid thing, you're a traitor_ \- spills all the wine on Fernando's shirt, so now he's looking at the enlarging red spot on his white garment.

"Wow. What was I saying about natural disasters in this kitchen?" asks Fernando, breaking the silence because Javi seems a little shocked.

In fact, red cheeks and looking away, Javi mumbles: "Fer, Fer I'm so sorry, I'm very very very sorry, I.. Wait, I try... try to..." and starts drying the shirt with his napkin.

Fernando stops him putting his hands on his lover's ones that are trembling while doing some dry work. "Javitxu", whispers the striker directly in his ear, a move that fills all Javi's body with shivers, "now you don't have your tie and I'm going not to have my shirt. Shall I continue or have you understood what I'm talking about, this time?".

Javi smiles and moves his sight until he reaches Fernando's eyes. "It seems you're not much annoyed by natural disasters..."

_quello che non ho sono le tue pistole (What I do not have are your guns per conquistarmi il cielo, per guadagnarmi il sole. to conquer the sky, to earn the sun)_

"You're s..so s..ss..sweet..."

"And you're so drunk. Why on Earth did you decided to spend this afternoon drinking this much?" says Javi with a smirk on his lips. He knocked four times at Fernando's door, but no one came to open it, so he started worry about Fer and decided to enter the house. There he found the striker nearly collapsed on his sofa, pale as death and next to him due empty bottles of beer and one nearly empty of vodka.

Javi's worries fainted as soon as Fernando tried to get up and cheer him but fell off before gaining the stand position. Well, he was clearly drunk, but alive.

He hurried and quickly helped his friend picking up and returning on the sofa, then he sat next to him, an arm around his waist beacuse he was afraid of another fall to the ground.

Fernando murmurs something.

"Fer? I can't understand what you say if you talk without opening your mouth".

Fernando clears his throat -at least, he tries, but it seems he just makes noises without helping himself talking better.

"Javiiiitxu... I... I'm not... not really ok... yes, ok. It's ok?" finally succeeds to say, not without many pauses.

Javi tries his best not to laugh at Fer's attempt at saying something with a meaning. "Yes, I can see by myself you're not feeling that good. Fer, why did you drink this afternoon?". Javi knows Fernando is an all-time-athlete, he doesn't ruin his physical form just because one day he wants to get drunk.

But the striker doesn't seem to be in mood to give him an answer; he's just leant his forehead against Javi's shoulder and breathes with his mouth open. Javi strenghts his embrace and with the other hand gently strokes Fernando's hair.

"Ssso... so sweet... how do...do you succeed... at...this?" syas Fernando after some minutes, not lifting his head.

"At what, Fer?" asks Javi, willing to follow the strange ways a drunk mind can take.

It takes some more minutes to gain an answer. "All. You just don't...don't care of... problems and some... some stuff like that. You're... smiling, you're smiling...always and...there's no...no more problems" after the last word Fernando chuckles and dangerously he tries to move away from Javi with the only result of being just a step from falling again from the sofa. Javi holds him by an arm just a second before he arrives on the floor and makes him sat right next to him again.

"What's the problem you're talking about? Fer, look at me, what the hell are you saying?" whispers Javi, because it seems that noises too loud are hurting Fernando's ears.

"They... they all rely on...on me...I'm not able...not scoring how much they... they want. If we lose...losing... it's my faul...I'm no good... I cannot play football. I'm always... always betraying our fans... They deserve a... better striker... I'm always injured... I'm no good..."

Javi knows Fernando enough to understand that's not only the alcohol talkin in this moment; Fernando is a good player but in the last weeks he suffered from some little injures that prevented him from playing, and Fernando lives for football, it'all he does want to do and without it he's feeling alone and without a reason to stay there.

"Fernando. You're the Lion King for our supporters, they know you're a fantastic player, they know you're just in a difficult period but they always will love you, you know, we're the _leones_ and you're the King. We're waiting for you. We all love you and we want our best Fernando to come back and to lead us to win. But we want you to be happy, because, other way, you cannot play for us. We want you to feel good because then you'll play as the great player you are. So stop thinking we don't want you" ends his speech Javi nodding at the empty bottles on the table.

Fernando's eyes are a little clouded by the alcohol, when he finally succeeds at looking Javi in his eyes. He moves his face closer to Javi's one, but his lover smiles and distances himself from the striker.

"And neither try to kiss me, your breath is like sulphuric acid!".

_Quello che non ho è di farla franca (What I do not have is to get away with it)_

When Javi enters the room there's all dark in it, except for the TV that's on. He carefully tries to reach the sofa without crashing with some pieces of furniture, and there he sees Fernando sitting on the carpet with a joystick in his hands, focused on the game.

"Are you still using your playstation? I left you here one hour ago and you were already playing...", complains Javi, replacing the sofa with his legs for Fernando's back to lean and sitting on it.

"I'm going to be European champion, it won't take long", answers him, not looking at Javi but leaning back and putting his head against his knees.

"Final with Porto? Not very difficult to win..."

"It not the last, if I win this I'm going to play against Real Madrid. God, you know how much I want to defeat them", says Fernando, still concentrated only on the match and hitting the joystick with his thumbs.

Javi sighs, and slowly passes his hand through Fernando's hair, caressing his curls gently.

"Have you heard what Iker said before training?"

"Mmm"

"About our next match?"

"Mmm"

"About... Fer, are you listening to me?"

"Mmm... ahi! Whay on Earth are you pulling my hair?!", jumps Fernando, finally leaving the joystick on the floor.

"Fer, you were playing with a false Athletic Bilbao instead of speaking to me, better, instead of listening to me!", answers Javi, happy because Fernando now is looking at him.

The striker smirks. "So you wanted me to watch you, didn't you? You were not enough considered by me, that's what you were thinking, am I wrong?"

Javi sulks. "You were playing and-"

Fernando stops him with a kiss on his mouth. "Do you know who's going to be chosen in the game as the best European player?"

"You? Even in a game you want that stupid title?"

"I'm already the best striker, I don't need that. It was you I wanted to be the winner. Unfortunately, you're making me lose the final, so...", winks Fernando, a big smile on his lips.

"Get that fucking joystick and win. Now!"

_quello che non ho è quel che non mi manca (What I do not have is what I do not miss)_

"Do you ever think at how it could be if everyone was aware of us? I mean, of me and you..." starts Javi, a little anxious about the possible answers.

"Well, in that case I should be jealous not only of all the women on Earth, but even of all men!" laughs Fernando at his words, but his eyes really don't smile, they stay cold as ice. He tried to joke but he know what Javi means: living together like a real couple, not fearing to be seen together while holding hands or sharing a kiss after the training, spending holidays laying on the beach and do all the things other people in love can do like sunbathing or buying an icecream but doing all this close to Javi. Sometimes Fernando thinks at all this and it makes it a little sad, he will never know what means to embrace his lover under the sunlight -well, he knows he could, if he wants to do this with a girlfriend, but then he won't be holding his lover, because this nickname could be approprated only for his beloved Javitxu.

A hand on his right shoulder brings him back from these thoughts. "Flori, it was just a silly question, you don't have to answer, not really" says Javi. He's not stupid, he's just seen the pain passing in Fer's bright eyes, and, like a little girl at her first love, he doesn't want to see his lover unhappy.

"We can break up with this...thing, if you're not happy, you know, I've never given you a ring and asked you to love me forever" whispers the striker, not wanting to say it out loud and not sure of what his voice would be like with all the emotions he's feeling while speaking. He doesn't even know why he has just let these words out of his mouth, he should have kept them inside him, better, he should never have thought about Javi leaving him or letting him free to decide about the two of them. Not that he doesn't believe in Javi, but when it comes to Javi, well, that's where Fernando becomes a selfish person. Now that he know what it means to be loved by Javi, he doesn't want one another person (a man? a woman? It doesn't matter at all) to discover this fantastic feeling. Fernando just can't imagine Javi that prepares breakfast in the morning for someone that's not Fernando, or Javi that falls asleep with his cheek on the legs of another man, or the hand of a stranger that combs his hair gently while watching a movie together.

"Don't even dare to think it again. Don't, Fernando" -and the striker now knows that Javi is painfully serious because he never calls him with his full name, he's always 'Fer' or 'Flori' or some stupid names Javi creates at the moment- "You can't be so stupid to think that I want to break up with you just because I asked you a question, a stupid thing that ran a second in my head". Javi tries to say this last sentence as if it's just a joke, one of the many they usually share, but they both know it's not like that.

Javi comes closer to Fernando, his eyes fixed in the ones of his lover and he's forcing himself because he just can't stand all the fear there is in his blue lakes. He leans his forehead on the striker's one, just staying like this and not moving away his eyes. He wants Fernando to understand that he doesn't need to show his love to all the World, not if that means their breakup. He's all that he needs to be happy, and if he's ok without having the usual couple-lifestyle, well, it means that what he doesn't have it's just something he doesn't need.

_quello che non ho è un treno arrugginito (What I do not have is a rusty train che mi riporti indietro da dove son partito. that takes me back to where I began)_

It was easier when you were a child. All you needed was a ball, something to make a goal, some friends and no homework. You remember how many hours you spent playing football, no matter with who or where, all you wanted was to play, to score, to grab the from the feet of your friends and to be happy for the victory. It was so nice being choose in a team in the first position, because that meant you were the best footballer among the presents, and nothing was better.

Then it came Lezama, training a real football team with other young men whose future seemed as bright as yours. Maybe it was teh beautiful time ever, all you had to do was playing the best you could to gain compliments and to be noticed by observers of the major team. And it happened, you were chosen to play for Athletic Bilbao in La Liga, the dream of every kid came true to you.

It all started falling down when Javi left. Yes, not that before it was all shining, you often suffered from injuries that took you away from the pitch, but there was always Javi with his smile and his kisses and his hugs that made you feel better. When he left Bilbao, he also left a hole next to you, a hole that no one and nothing could replace. There's no one's words that could heal you Javi's did. No one to embrace because you wanted to, no one to sleep with. But you didn't talk about this to Javi, you never said this to him because you love him. You know that he would have been feeling guilty. But you also know it's not fair to force the one you love to stay with you, not if you really love him; Javi was happy at Bayern and so you didn't try to bring him back.

Now you're leaving too: Turin is your destination. Sitting in the airport while waiting for your flight, you think it was just so simple when you were a kid, playing in the streets seems more satisfying than winning the World Cup, sometimes.

_Quello che non ho sono i tuoi denti d’oro (What I do not have are your gold teeth)_

It is well known that when Fernando smiles all the world around him seems brighter; maybe it really is. He just doesn't smile only with his mouth -this is something everyone can do even if he or she is not really happy- but even his eyes shines and the wrinkles all around makes you feel comfortable and also makes you wanna laugh too. All this goes with his blond curls, so you just cannot be charmed by him.

Javi thinks all this, and he's sure that's not just because he loves Fernando, he can assert that everyone in the world can see all this.

Javi is always smiling; when he's training, when he's talking with someone, when he's walking. But he always wears that smile that is in some way shy, or makes him seen like that, like he's not sure of what he is doing or where he is, like he doesn't know anyone around him but he is happy to be there and to to everything he is doing.

Fernando knows all this, and thinks that Javi isn't aware of the tenderness his smile always makes him feel, and Fernando is sure that even if he wasn't in love with Javi, he would feel the same.

_quello che non ho è un pranzo di lavoro (What I do not have is a working-lunch)_

It was Fernando's idea to go out for the dinner that day. He said 'we trained all day and only God knows what Bielsa had today in his head to make us sweat that much, I don' feel like cooking", yes, he said that even if it was almost always Javi who had to prepare their dinner. And after his speech he made that smile that always convinced Javi to do everything for him -plus, he was really tired and with no idea of what to cook.

So that's why thier in the centre of Bilbao, walking along the streets and trying to decide where to eat.

"We can have some pizza", says Javi nodding to an Italian restaurant, but Fernando doesn't seem intersted in that, he walks past the entrance without even giving a look at it.

"Whata about Indian plates?", tries then Javi, smelling the strong and spiced scent of tandoori chicken and getting hungrier and hungrier.

"I don't like it a lot...", mumbles Fernando, and Javi sighs, walking fatser to reach his lover that's going farther.

"Japanese!", utters then Fernando when he sees a sign with oriental words on it.

They enter the restaurant and take a sit, clearly starving.

Fer takes his chopsticks and looks at them a little puzzled. "Am I intended to eat with these? Seriously?!", asks while around to see what the other people are doing. "Javitxu, they all can eat with these!", utters then, eyes wide open.

Javi laughs at the strange face his friend his making. "It's how they always do in a Japanese restaurant, don't tell me it's the first time you enter one! Or tell me, didn't you watch Japanese cartoons when you where a kid? They always use chposticks in them!"

Fer sulks. "I've always thought they give you also forks and knives, you know, after all we're still in Spain", mumbles, he doesn't like to be the one who ignores something.

Javi just can't stop laughing because Fer looks so ridiculous with that hostile behavior against the chopsticks. When the waiter arrives with thier plates fulled of many types of sushi, Javi stretches his arm and reaches Fernando's hand, the one that's still holding his chopsticks.

"Let me help you", it's all he says, and Fernando, feeling the warm hand of his lover wrapped around his, thinks that sometimes not knowing somethind is a very good thing.

_Quello che non ho sono le mani in pasta (What I do not have are hands-on)_

"I didn't know you wear glasses. You look good with them on!" says Fernando one day after training, one day whenJavi was tired of his contact lenses and decided to put them off.

And his words, mixed with his bright smile and his incredible eyes fixed on Javi's face make the defender flush. That's when he realizes he has a crush on Fernando Llorente.

"You cut your hair", says Javi when Fernando arrives at Lezama.

"Do I not look good anymore?", asks him, laughing.

"No, no! It's just... I was used to your long hair", flushes Javi while speaking.

His cheeks red, his praise, his shy smile make Fernando realizes that he has a crush on Javi Martinez.

_quello che non ho è un indirizzo in tasca (What I do not have is an address in my pocket)_

"Just ten minutes, sir"

"Only ten?! But..." starts to complain Fernando, but the nurse shakes her head.

"We have a specific timetable for the visit, and it ends at three o'clock; now it's ten to three, so you have ten minutes from now".

Fernando sighs resigned and enters the door of the room. Javi is lying in his bed -where else could he be?- and he seems a little tired, with his pale skin and the head lapsed on the pillow, but he is surprised when he sees his friend coming in and stirs himself.

"You should be in italy with your team, or am I wrong?" asks, but he can't help smiling.

"I'll be back this evening, they even won't notice my absence! It's our free day, we played yesterday and I thought that maybe I could use this time to come and visit you", explains Fernando, taking a chair and putting it next to the bed. He sits there and let his sight pass on Javi, noticing that from there he seems even more tired.

"How are you?", asks then, when he's filled the desire to study his lover.

Javi smirks. "I think it could be worse... I've just finished my exercises, and I'm tired to death, I think I will sleep till spring comes. It hurts everywhere, there's no centimetre of my body that's not trying to kill me at every movement I make. And, if all this wasn't enough, the food is terrible here".

"If you have told me that you're not eating well, I would have brought some kokotxas with me", laughs Fernando, who finally feels free to touch Javi. He gently caresses his cheek, and Javi closes his eyes, relaxing himself under the warm touch of the striker.

It not easy, they both know that: they were aware of this when Javi left Bilbao. Sometimes all the want is just to be on the sofa with their lover sitting next to themselves, to feel their presence, to see the other one smile, to fall asleep together. Fernando was used to love the way Javi prepared breakfast in the mornings for him, Javi was used to love the sight of Fer waiting for him after all the training session, when the defender was always the last to finish his shower, they both used to love the way they felt when during an exercise their eyes just met, without any word. It was difficult then and it's even more difficult now that Fernando plays in Italy, because before Javi could always have an excuse to return in his homeland, but now, what can he says to justify the urgent need to fly to Turin?

"You finished your time, sir, you have to leave the room", says the nurse while entering the room. Fernando quickly moves his hand away.

"But you can't go away now, you've stayed here just for some minutes!", complays Javi, not wanting to be left alone only after this little time together.

"Javitxu, I'm sorry... It's just that i got lost while trying to reach this place and so when I arrived here there wasn't much time left", Fernando is so sorry for this that Javi gives up with the will to ask him how is it possible to get lost when all he had to do was telling the taxi driver the name of the place.

"Come here", he just says after the nurse's gone. Fernando goes nearer and gently leaves a kiss on his lips, but he can't go away because Javi prevents him to do this grabbing his arms.

"We will do it", whispers, "in some way we'll get through the distance. I know I can count on you, always" ends his little speech Javi, kissing the end of Fer's nose.

_quello che non ho sei tu dalla mia parte (What I do not have is you on my side)_

"I thought that of all you would be the one to understand"

"To understand what, Javi? That you're going away form me?"

"I don't want to leave you, if it's what scares you!"

"'If'? I'm sorry if I'm hurting you because I think I'll miss you. Maybe they didn't teach it to you at school, but Munich is not ten minutes away from Bilbao"

"It's all about this, Fernando? It's just that I'm going too far?"

"It's... it's that you didn't tell me anything! I sleep with you and I had to read on the newspaper of your transfer!"

"I just didn't know how to tell you this. I was sure that your reaction would have been 'he's leaving me'-alike. But it's not that. To me this is a great opportunity, I love Bilbao but I want to have a chance in one of the best football teams in Europe. Is it so wrong?"

"You're leaving home, Bilbao, me..."

"Fer, where are you going?"

"Leave me, I just want to stay on my own. Don't even try to follow me"

"Fer! It's breezing outside, I was scared to death and-"

"Shush. Just come here and hug me. I'm already missing you"

_quello che non ho è di fregarti a carte. (What I do not have is cheating on you while playing cards)_

Javi is still incredulous. He's in his bed and he's breathing the sweet scent of Fernando's hair in which he has buried his nose. Fer is sleeping, apparently doesn't afraid of what they've just done, but Javi is not so calm.

It was so easy falling in love with Fernando. Javi is sure that the striker is not really aware of his incredible power of enchanting everyone. All the women he knows and many men also for sure almost one time have had a dream about him, he's just that beautiful and that magnetic one cannot resist. Even their teammates and the other national players can't resist the will to look at him twice, just to be sure he's really so handsome.

That's why Javi cannot still believe his eyes. Of all the people in this world, how is it possible that Fernando is in bed with him now, an arm around his waist and his breath on Javi's neck?

Javi is stroking his hair till he rested his head on his shoulder, and thinks that fer is like a cat who wants to be pet until he's ready to fall asleep. 'They call you the Lion King, but in this moment you seem more like tha cat I had when I was a child. You even purr when I touch you', can't help thinking Javi, smiling a bit. In this moment, he doesn't have to be jealous of someone else, maybe of Iker that loves to drive mad Fer -well, he loves to drive mad everyone, just for the sake of seeing his poor victim confused. Now he doesn't have to see all the girls in Bilbao eating him with their eyes while they're walking in the city.

Fernando stretches himself; Javi freezes.

The striker carefully stands up, trying not to wake Javi whom he thinks is asleep and gets out of the room after collecting some of his clothes.

"Fuck", mumbles Javi. He had to know that, that Fernando doesn't want this to have a sequel but thinks at their night together just like it's one-night-stand. Probably it's not even the first time he has a one-night-affair with someone, maybe with David or Sergio when he shares his room with the Spain NT or maybe with Gorka or Andre, or maybe with someone he doesn't know...

"Fuck", he mumbles again, angry with himself because he clearly had to know that one like Fernando couldn't choose him, he's just too much of all. But even if he knew all this, he let his heart believe in what their kisses and their touches suggested, or he believed they suggested something. All he wants to do now is to bury his face in his pillow and cry, but his bed still preserves the shape of his body and all the room is filled with Fernando's scent, it's impossible to forget that just a little time before they where in that bed, entwined and happy.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you up", comes the unexpected voice of Fernando. Javi cannot believe his ears and just watches him laying in the bed again. "But it was so hot in here, I had to drink some water, I think I was burning!", continues him, stretching his neck and leaving a kiss on Javi's lips that are frozen for the surprise.

"Javitxu? Is it all ok?", asks him then.

"Yes, it's just... I think I'm in love, accidentally", whispers him, and he wants to cut his tongue off after speaking. Of all he could do, telling him about his love was surely not the better one, after all they've only spent a night together.

But Fernando laughs. "So you're Shrek and I'm Fiona? And we're accidentally in love, like they sing in the film?".

'No', Javi would like to say, 'no, you're not Fiona becuase being a prince -well, a princess- is just too little for you. They call you the king, but they don't know you're an ace, you always win and you're worth much more than everyone on this Earth". But then he understands that Fernando said 'we're in love', not 'you're in love', and there nothing else in the world apart Fernando.


End file.
